It’s your company’s ugly holiday sweater contest. Matilda from accounting always sweeps this competition, taking home the prized $15 gift card for various local knick-knack stores with her signature sweater of knit gnomes and festive giraffes. You could swear she sprinkles the cat hair on there, just to complete the look. This year though, you’re coming for Matilda’s crown.

You don your new sweater, decorated with John Green’s mustachioed face, and you know that you won’t have to use that extra dog hair you vacuumed up from the couch to usurp the champion. Pizza John’s collective gaze is enough.